First, I spent all of today and a good chunk of yesterday working on Dusty Plastic HELL: The Halloween Special!!!, so do go check it out! It might be my new favorite piece on Scary-Crayon, though I often feel that way after finishing a big feature. This one even has footnotes.

I was going to go to a Halloween party tonight at the goth club, but I didn't. I'm a little sad about it, but ah well. I can turn out the lights and listen to goth music here if I want (and even download pictures of hot gothic chicks on the web!), and I guess I didn't need to get spend $30 getting drunk and passing out at the bar anyway. 😉

In other news, Celebrity Poker is a really enjoyable show. Unlike the actual media featuring the participants -- mostly television shows and movies that I hate -- it doesn't have storylines that are stupid, horribly contrived, insulting, etc., and unlike nighttime talk shows, it doesn't feature a smarmy, annoying host asking the guests a bunch of bullshit questions with answers no one should care about. It's just a relaxed poker game with five players who happen to be famous. And hell, I'd still find the show to be interesting even if they weren't.

There should totally be a gothic casino. With poker!

SO. If you've got a half hour to kill, I invite you to head over to Scary-Crayon and check out the latest Spectare review -- a literally 27+ minute long review and commentary on Flightplan. Or, y'know, if you don't have that kind of time, you can also read the abridged written review over there. Suffice it to say that I fucking despised that film. Not in the way that I thought Serenity and Corpse Bride were kinda blah -- I mean like this was one of the worst films I've ever seen and I'd like to bitchslap everyone who had a hand in making it. That sort of thing. Head to the SC review for more.

Honestly, it's media like Flightplan that have me utterly convinced that the remainder of my life -- should I choose to live it -- will be filled with failure and misery. Not because the movie depicted some heartrending tragedy that totally sucked me in, but because of the sheer number of successful movies, television shows, books, etc. that utterly disgust me, thereby underscoring the all too apparent separation between myself and the rest of society. And since I desire to contribute to these fields -- write books, scripts, even make films and so forth -- it seems to indicate that nothing I do will be well received by anyone of note, since what I'd hope to achieve and accomplish through writing and other media is so vastly different from what the public wants. The subject matter and content of the books on the bestseller lists consistently strikes me as being not only unappealing but insulting, whereas my favorite authors are either out of print or almost unheard of. It's maddening.

I've started writing another short story, but I'm fairly certain that no fiction editor alive would think it worthy of publication or be willing to pay for it. Ja.

So it's been a while since I wrote anything of substance here. Haven't had much to say, really. The grad school thing hasn't been going very well -- I think I may need to spend more time researching the various programs and options, figuring out what I want to do in the future, etc. than the earlier deadlines permit. And I'm still so uncertain about everything. I'm considering joining up with the Peace Corps or submitting an application for Teach For America. Fuck, I'm even thinking about enlisting. Or taking a bath with a toaster. Hopefully things will come together soon, but honestly I don't see how they're going to. Sighs all around.

Lately I've been very cold and haven't been able to shake this feeling of constant dread: I always feel as if I'm on my way to take a very difficult examination for which I haven't studied -- I don't even know what's going to be on the damned thing -- yet its results will determine the course of the rest of my life. My gut is contracting, my teeth are chattering, my skin is covered with goosebumps. My head hurts. I'd just as soon hide in my room feigning sickness (though it wouldn't exactly be feigning sickness, since I'm so sick with worry I can barely walk without collapsing into a shaking mess) and send the Dean an e-mail to ask for an extension, but that's not an option anymore.

But if I swallow sleeping pills
I might escape these dreadful chills
They'll dress me in my Sunday best
and I won't have to take that test.

Last week I had some interesting dreams -- dreams of running helter-skelter through open fields filled with zombies and climbing wooden fences with cracking white paint and dashing down dusty country roads with a slender girl slung over my shoulder; dreams of hiding on my knees amidst pews in huge worship halls, chanting protection spells as armed gladiators rushed at granite devils wielding slim revolvers and holding the hands of wounded damsels as the light of life left their shining eyes.

Ja ne.

Sigh.

I'd like to be sleeping right now, but they've been at it outside with the jackhammers for the last hour. I wonder if what they're doing is part of an intricate scheme to take over the world or otherwise upset the foundation of society. Or is it all in my head? It's giving me a fucking headache. And since I can't really do anything that requires much concentration -- and therefore a certain measure of quiet -- I'm writing another blog entry.

Question for the creative types: How often do you have ideas for projects for which you think, if you were able to complete them (and the public actually paid attention), people would violently attack you and even try to kill you for vocally expressing so contrary a point of view? Because maybe I'm just paranoid, or overestimating the uniqueness of my own ideas, or underestimating the capacity of people to tolerate, understand, and even accept new and differing ideas (as opposed to simply ignoring them; I can't even get people to publish my fiction, with "too didactic" being among the primary reasons cited for the rejection of my work), but I think I have ideas for enterprises like that at least twice a week. (more...)