So it's been a while since I wrote anything of substance here. Haven't had much to say, really. The grad school thing hasn't been going very well -- I think I may need to spend more time researching the various programs and options, figuring out what I want to do in the future, etc. than the earlier deadlines permit. And I'm still so uncertain about everything. I'm considering joining up with the Peace Corps or submitting an application for Teach For America. Fuck, I'm even thinking about enlisting. Or taking a bath with a toaster. Hopefully things will come together soon, but honestly I don't see how they're going to. Sighs all around.

Lately I've been very cold and haven't been able to shake this feeling of constant dread: I always feel as if I'm on my way to take a very difficult examination for which I haven't studied -- I don't even know what's going to be on the damned thing -- yet its results will determine the course of the rest of my life. My gut is contracting, my teeth are chattering, my skin is covered with goosebumps. My head hurts. I'd just as soon hide in my room feigning sickness (though it wouldn't exactly be feigning sickness, since I'm so sick with worry I can barely walk without collapsing into a shaking mess) and send the Dean an e-mail to ask for an extension, but that's not an option anymore.

But if I swallow sleeping pills
I might escape these dreadful chills
They'll dress me in my Sunday best
and I won't have to take that test.

Last week I had some interesting dreams -- dreams of running helter-skelter through open fields filled with zombies and climbing wooden fences with cracking white paint and dashing down dusty country roads with a slender girl slung over my shoulder; dreams of hiding on my knees amidst pews in huge worship halls, chanting protection spells as armed gladiators rushed at granite devils wielding slim revolvers and holding the hands of wounded damsels as the light of life left their shining eyes.

Ja ne.