Thus revealed, the creature buried its nose in the tire-tilled soil...
June 10, 2022
Jurassic World: Dominion is dumb dumb dumb.

(Spoiler warning. There be spoilers below.)

Comments on Jurassic World Dominion. (There may be more later; I could and just might go on and on and on about this spectacular piece of Pitch Meeting fodder. Bloody hell.) So you know why I rushed out to see this movie, right? I love dinosaurs, and I especially love seeing them fucking people up. The last movie -- Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom -- ended with dinosaurs being let loose on Earth. It ended with a montage of dinosaurs just showing up in cities and at picnics and in the ocean and just fucking people up. I had *hoped* that the third movie would deliver even more in that vein -- I didn't expect I'd get it, but I had my fingers crossed for Dinosaurs Attack! the movie. No plot necessary: just a series of vignettes featuring normal people doing normal things until normalcy dies along with them as they get royally fucked up by some rogue dinosaurs. Like America's Funniest Home Videos, but instead of punchlines involving dogs falling off tables or men getting hit in the nuts the setups end with dinosaurs fucking people up. DONE. MASTERPIECE.

The movie wasn't that. I knew it probably wasn't going to be that (though I HOPED it would be). But I did still expect a fair bit of dinosaurs fucking people up. Like, at least as much as we got in the first Jurassic World -- which I loved; that was a fine amount of dinosaurs fucking people up. More would have been ideal, but I didn't want less. We know how this goes. We've seen the things. They're here. The original Jurassic Park was fantastic, but there's no need to slow burn it now. Let them feast.

This movie didn't give me that -- not even close. Nor did it give me much dinosaur action at all, and what was here seemed expressly rehashed from earlier movies: there's another Velociraptor motorbike chase; Dilophosaurs are curious and creepy and spit on a dude; characters hide behind an overturned car while a big dinosaur sniffs around and nudges it. There's a good bit of dinosaurs *trying*, but mostly they fail. And since there is no "try," only "do" or "do not," mostly dinosaurs do not fuck people up in this movie.

But here's where I was going with this: this is the first Jurassic Park movie -- indeed, the only killer dinosaur movie ever -- that was so unsuccessful that I actually sat pondering how absurd it actually is that the dinosaurs are so interested in fucking people up. For some species, sure, a human is a great meal. But for a T-Rex? A Giganotosaurus (which needs to be part of a drinking game, because they say that dinosaur's name so often this movie might damn well be part of an elaborate summoning spell)? Humans are little, bony, and with clothes on probably don't taste great at all -- yet these things are banging their faces HARD against rock and concrete and metal and fucking THEMSELVES up in insane fashion trying to get at these people. Like... why?? There are so many other delicious things out there they could be eating! I mean, I get that people are the hot new food craze to many of these things, but you'd think a Giganotosaurus (drink) would eat a human and be like "actually, yuck" and go back to snacking on deer or cows or Parasaurolophi or whatever. With all the stalking and chasing and banging, they probably expend more energy hunting stray humans than they'd get in calories if they actually succeeded in securing a meal. It's ridiculous.

But also half the dinosaurs in this *aren't even interested in eating the people*. There's a bit where a Quetzalcoatlus just fucks up a plane for no reason -- which entails slamming its pointy face hard into metal (what the fuck is that thing's beak made of that goes through metal so easily???) and probably getting hit with shrapnel from an exploding engine and whatnot -- and it doesn't even bother to try to eat the people in the plane after it rips it open. A bunch of smaller flying dinos make no attempt to eat the human who ejects from the falling craft, but they do fuck up her parachute so she falls out of their sky. And I guess they could just be territorial assholes, but really... this is goofy. There was food floating in the sky -- exposed and helpless!!! -- and these things preferred to pull an Andy Samberg and THREW IT ON THE GROUND. We don't need your handout, Airplane Man!

Speaking of which, there was a taser in this movie. It is powerful enough to knock fucking DINOSAURS across a room. It was used ON A HUMAN. It knocked her across the room and into a table that broke from the impact. She stood up and was fine. (She was *fine* before that, because she was Dichen Lachman -- wordplay, ha ha! -- but still.)

Okay I'm going to stop for now. But seriously, WHAT THE HELL. And sigh.

-posted by Wes | 6:55 pm | Comments (0)
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