Just a brief post to remind you that CHERYL BLOSSOM IS THE WORST. On this week's episode, upon receiving the news that Toni Topaz is getting married -- from Toni herself, no less, along with an invitation to her bachelorette party -- Cheryl Blossom succumbed to jealousy and used WITCHCRAFT to "drive a wedge" between Toni and her fiancé Fangs. Why? Because Cheryl and Toni used to be an item. Back in high school. Which, given the 7-year timeskip during S5, was probably at least 8 years ago. And even though Cheryl's with someone else now, she's always felt like she and Toni were destined to be together. So she cast a spell to "drive a wedge" between Toni and Fangs, preventing their marriage and leaving Toni single to someday be hers. And she explicitly ignored the vagueness of "drive a wedge" in terms of outcomes, failing to care at all about the myriad awful ways that that wedge might manifest. She's Cheryl Blossom! She gets what she wants and consequences can't touch her.

Toni and Fangs have a baby.

Yep. (more...)

(Spoiler warning. There be spoilers below.)

Comments on Jurassic World Dominion. (There may be more later; I could and just might go on and on and on about this spectacular piece of Pitch Meeting fodder. Bloody hell.) So you know why I rushed out to see this movie, right? I love dinosaurs, and I especially love seeing them fucking people up. The last movie -- Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom -- ended with dinosaurs being let loose on Earth. It ended with a montage of dinosaurs just showing up in cities and at picnics and in the ocean and just fucking people up. I had *hoped* that the third movie would deliver even more in that vein -- I didn't expect I'd get it, but I had my fingers crossed for Dinosaurs Attack! the movie. No plot necessary: just a series of vignettes featuring normal people doing normal things until normalcy dies along with them as they get royally fucked up by some rogue dinosaurs. Like America's Funniest Home Videos, but instead of punchlines involving dogs falling off tables or men getting hit in the nuts the setups end with dinosaurs fucking people up. DONE. MASTERPIECE.

The movie wasn't that. I knew it probably wasn't going to be that (though I HOPED it would be). But I did still expect a fair bit of dinosaurs fucking people up. Like, at least as much as we got in the first Jurassic World -- which I loved; that was a fine amount of dinosaurs fucking people up. More would have been ideal, but I didn't want less. We know how this goes. We've seen the things. They're here. The original Jurassic Park was fantastic, but there's no need to slow burn it now. Let them feast. (more...)

They cancelled my show, y'all.

When I first started watching Riverdale... I don't remember what I thought of it. I think I was mostly confused: those comics were so wholesome and inoffensive, yet here Archie was having sex with his high school music teacher; Jughead was living on the streets because his dad was an abusive alcoholic gang member; Veronica was the ambitious daughter of a ruthless mob boss; and Betty was the resident Nancy Drew and mostly clean... until we met Dark Betty, a sadistic second personality that would assert herself during stressful moments.

Then I went through a period of hate-watching the show -- things got ever more seedy and convoluted, and I delighted in railing at the ridiculous twists the show took. Betty's father was revealed to be a serial killer, and Betty was revealed to have the "serial killer gene." Now dating Veronica, Archie began doing criminal errands to impress her father. Jughead reconciled with his own father and assumed leadership of the local gang. And I developed an especially deep hatred of Cheryl Blossom -- also from the comics, though I'd never heard of her -- who got WAY more screentime and focus than that character deserves. (I maintain that Cheryl is the true main character of Riverdale: while she's rarely the focus of events, a) she is spectacularly awful to everyone and is never held accountable for it, and b) that universe consistently bends to shield her from lasting harm and gift her unwarranted influence over unfolding events. Much like Sabrina on The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, she's The Worst. (more...)

So I saw the new Candyman last night. Brief thoughts: I was disappointed. While I suppose it's a valid take on the mythos, it was neither the direction I would have taken nor the film I wanted to see. But then, I have really strong feelings about Candyman! Keep reading for more totally not spoiler-free commentary. (more...)

A couple things I saw on an afternoon walk yesterday that I wanted to record:

The first: I saw a man getting a haircut in a green space. (I hesitate to call it a yard, though that's probably right -- I have this idea of yards as more deliberately enclosed areas, and these are hilly, grassy areas only bounded by the sidewalk and not obviously yoked to the adjacent town houses.) Notable details about the scene: one, as I encountered them during twilight and they were not using lamps, this seemed rather poor illumination for cutting hair. The other was the cape that barbers drape over clients to shield them from the falling hair -- which, in this instance, was a worn and dingy American flag. The style of haircut the "client" was receiving made me think he might be military, and if that is so I imagine he intended the use of the cape to be a patriotic gesture. It struck me, however, as somehow unseemly. (more...)