Bobbi Jane
by Wes

I once dated a Bobbi Jane who was sexy as hell
I once dated a Bobbi Jane who was ugly as well
Alas, it was the ugly Bobbi Jane whom I did wed
I shout the sexy Bobbi Jane's name when we are in bed.

won't they be impressed
I am a gen-i-us
see how I fashion planks and bricks
into a temporary fix

Today was a very wet day! Not just because of the rain outside, but because the metal clamps on the pipe connected to the sump pump came loose... resulting in much gushing and minor flooding of the basement. Luckily Mom noticed it before too much water spread, and then I made a temporary fix using planks and bricks to keep the pipe in place until more skilled hands arrived to reset the clamps properly. I was really proud of myself for that invention until Mom's friend rectified the problem in all of five minutes -- I'd previously tried to tighten the clamps but been unsuccessful for whatever reason (I failed similarly when the toilets upstairs were leaking; again Mom's friend came to the rescue).

So it seems that I am terrible at simply tightening screws and bolts, but have little difficulty grabbing and combining random items from my surroundings to fashion temporary fixes. I guess if anything ever goes wrong and you don't have any tools -- but do have a kettle and string and knickknacks of that nature -- I'm your man!

Luckily, today's damage was confined to several damp box bottoms and two books with wet pages towards their conclusions.

So I happened to see a television ad for a movie last night. I don't recall the specific movie -- some comedy, obviously. The voiceover enthusiastically described it as being "the funniest movie since The Hangover!"

Immediately this struck me as sounding incredibly stupid. Wasn't The Hangover fairly recent? I was thinking that the movie had come out within the last two or three years, in which case the commercial would essentially have been saying, "This is the funniest movie in two or three years!" Even taking into account the significant number of films released each year, that just doesn't sound terribly impressive.

In reality, The Hangover was released in 2009. In June. "This is the funniest movie in nine months!" Ugh. (more...)

Hopefully it will be the first of several (and many more), as I'm hoping to have enough for a portfolio to apply to creative writing programs in the fall. I'm up to just over 800 words so far -- not a lot, but it's a start! I'm also experimenting with second person. Here's an excerpt:

Benny pats you on the shoulder again and, still beaming, makes his way through the silent gallery to the bustle and noise that has just erupted beyond the massive doors of paneled oak. You remember how nervous he was after the first hearing, blinking and jerking his neck like a hen in a sandstorm and doing his best to wrap his chapped lips over his crooked yellow incisors as he offered humble quotes in appreciation of the judge for permitting reason and justice to prevail. Now, Benny flashes his perfect teeth to rival the cameras and blasts the prejudice and social delusions that repeatedly see innocent men harassed by the law and shamefully accused of crimes they did not commit.

By this point you find yourself unable to stomach Benny's interviews whether televised or written, but you know for a fact that much of what he says during these tirades consists of wholesale quotations from you. People call you a manipulative and insincere agent of Ashtaroth when you voice these ideas, but -- attributed to Bernard Moretti -- they will be printed in textbooks and referenced in legal dramas for decades to come.

Yep!

I'd never heard of this guy before seeing his program on television the other night, but holy fuck is he spewing some crazy shit. Granted, it's not uniquely crazy -- he kept perseverating on the same one-world government and end-of-times Antichrist nonsense believed so fervently by the nuttier Christian sects and depicted so well in the Left Behind series (haven't read the books, but those movies are creepy) -- but still. I actually had no idea they allowed this insanity on television, let alone on regular channels.

Speaking of insanity, how about that Rexella? The whole program is pretty nuts, but this woman just batshit crazy. Look at those eyes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-z1Cp3TciA

Screw the book, Rexxy -- just send me some of whatever you're popping. That said, she does look damned good for being almost 80... I'm guessing those donations have allowed her to hire a pretty good plastic surgeon. Praise Jesus! (more...)