Wes says:

Becky: Which comments were those?

And it's not as if I'm entirely without reason for the feelings of mistrust and betrayal. One thing that bothers me about these people -- some more so than others, depending upon how close we are (or I perceive us to be, or wish that we were) -- is that there's usually some life-changing development in their lives that's been a long time in the making, but that I find out about suddenly. Frex, with the one going to Yale grad in the fall, I never knew that she was even interested in going to grad school, let alone that she took the GRE and applied last year, and suddenly I'm hearing about her getting accepted (and from other people). These are things that I would mention! These are important!

Moreover, if I thought they were good and worthy things to do (going to grad school; pursuing advanced degrees), I would certainly discuss my plans with others and maybe encourage them to do so as well -- "Say, man, your life doesn't seem to be going anywhere right now and you don't seem to be doing too well... have you thought about grad school? I mean, I'm sure you've considered it, but..." and then I might offer to share resources or something. At the very least, I might've already had a GRE score on file if someone had had that kind of a talk with me. But it really galls me when people come to me when they need favors -- favors that oftentimes draw upon my intelligence! -- and yet don't deign to discuss their academic futures with me, as if I'm not smart enough to take part in that kind of dialogue.

And suddenly they're leaving -- "Good-bye and good riddance; I'm off to pursue my doctorate!" It does seem like they don't think very highly of me, then, and that to a certain extent my suspicions are justified.

Wes says:

Ah, right. And while I am referring to more/less platonic situations, the intensity of feeling I mention here is, admittedly, indicative of a certain romantic attachment on my part -- an irrational, unsupported romantic attachment, as in calmer moments I may want nothing to do with these people in that sense, and at times have found them to be decidedly unattractive (especially with respect to my opinion of them, as noted, unless I do find those baser qualities to be alluring), and yet for some reason I still seem to desire them on some level. But yes, the passion is comparable to a certain bestial lust -- perhaps arising as a consequence of the ever-widening and possibly insurmountable gulf of separation that grows between myself and the object of my attachment.