I was going to post this in the comments thread of the previous post per usual, but I think it's long enough to warrant making it a new post. The comments to which I am responding are from Dave -- located here -- and Nick -- located here. Once you're all caught up and stuff, you can read my responses below the cut.
<begin>
Dave: Two points in response. The first is that I do think that the behavior I describe -- or at least the mentality that underlies it -- differs from "someone assuming they can engage in a conversation about the Yankees or American Idol" with anyone, because here the topics are not general but are specifically chosen in accordance with the skin color of the interlocutor. The behavior that bothers me also includes assumptions about the interlocutor that go above and beyond that of a remote and/or general interest in the subject. It's the difference between meeting someone at a party and asking if he/she saw the final episode of "The Sopranos" (I've never seen a single episode) and approaching someone of apparent Latin descent and saying, "So I bet you sure like tacos, huh???" In both instances people may be repeating what they heard somewhere else, but the latter example is much more demeaning.
The second point is that contrary to the assumption that these people probably don't know me very well, whereas I am bothered by comments from even people for whom this is true, the most frustrating ones come from people who have known me for years. The AIM excerpt came from someone who has known me for at least four years, and a number of the regular offenders have known me longer than that. My parents have known me my entire life.
And it's not as if I've never commented on this kind of behavior or only reply to it with a look of disgust -- I have given so many lengthy arguments and explanations detailing why this is unacceptable that even if people are truly incapable of understanding me on the matter and making an effort to recognize people as individuals, you'd think that they'd at least refrain from making insulting comments to me. But even after years and years of association (and my largely predictable nature!) they still expect me to have the exact same views as Chris Rock or Cornel West (or that they might expect said persons to espouse) regarding any given topic.
Nick: You write, "You can either be depressed by this or realize that the people you are friends with have made an effort to look past stereotypes and spend the precious minutes of their life in your company." But what I am saying is that they clearly haven't made that effort -- or that whatever effort they have made is so insignificant as to be negligible -- such that their attitude does preclude the possibility of our having anything other than meaningless and superficial relationships.
In addition, your disjunctive statement here is analogous (not directly, of course) to "you can either feel pain or perform open brain surgery on yourself to sever the nerve endings and be glad that the people who deign to drink with you are only uppercutting you in the gut as opposed to breaking bottles over your skull and gouging out your eyes." Just as one would feel pain in said instance insofar as being punched in the gut hurts, insofar as I recognize that I am being insulted, I feel insulted when people insult me -- especially when, assuming that they've listened to anything of importance that I have ever said, they should know better.
I am more concerned with the reality that people do not recognize me as an individual rather than that they identify me with specific stereotypes or groups -- it's just that this particular identification is the most prevalent in my experience in society today (in addition to being implicated in so, so, so many social problems that could be fixed -- easily -- if people simply stopped). Admittedly, if I met someone who stereotyped me on the basis of my shoe size (in a way that had nothing to do with penis size), I would probably be amused and interested at first, but only because that has never happened and would give me the opportunity to learn a bit more about this unfamiliar, foreign society that places such importance on shoe size. After ten times, however, it would probably become quite annoying -- and after 20+ years it would be infuriating.
But you know, while you write, "The kind of people you'd like to make friends with do not exist in the grown-up world," and chalk people's flaws in this respect up to basic human nature, I'll be honest -- I don't believe that at all. I may not even believe that there is a single person on this planet who is incapable of changing if given the right impetus. I may think that people are lazy, or stupid, or shallow little creatures, but I do not think that they are that limited in their capacity to recognize others as individuals. I mean -- one hopes -- they recognize themselves as being individuals (though admittedly in many cases their perception is blurred as a result of various social influences), so how difficult is it to extend this courtesy to others?
In fact, even though the prevalence of this mode of thinking makes it a little easier to exercise, I would argue that it takes more work to reduce people to stereotypes and group representatives (etc.) than it does to grant them their individual autonomy. Whereas the former requires people to draw upon probabilities, outside information, media bias, etc., etc., all the latter requires is one of the most basic and intuitive examples from your run-of-the-mill introductory logic course. Really, it's so simple! Humans may be flawed in many, many ways, but I have to believe that they're better than this. Quite frankly, I'm disappointed and worried that, on the occasions when I do sincerely question my faith in others, people essentially encourage me to abandon it altogether. Even if you've "accepted" that people are largely hopeless, this is the part where you're supposed to hold my hand and lie to me.
At any rate, even if the strain does ultimately press me unhappily into my grave, I would rather be depressed and retain my sad, perpetually shaken idealism (or even optimism) than simply "accept" that people are unable to grasp even the most basic ideas and understanding that -- if I am right -- make love and respect and friendship and all other meaningful relationships possible. I couldn't be otherwise even if I wanted to: accepting these so-called flaws of humanity and losing myself (whether that entails suicide or the murder spree or a third option, the creation of persona that is perhaps more cheerful but also more shallow, less interesting, and decidedly not me) are tantamount to the same outcome.
And no, I don't think that the world would be better off without me -- but insofar as I am wrong about people and their capacity to truly relate to and connect with others, I do think that I (and everyone else) would be better off elsewhere.
<end>
