[18:04] <GOD> whats a good usenet downloader?
[18:05] <Wesper> greeks use musenet
[18:05] <Wesper> the SWAT team uses fusenet
[18:05] <Wesper> Kyle uses jewsnet
[18:05] <Wesper> pastors use pewsnet
[18:06] <Wesper> Katie Holmes uses cruisenet
[18:06] <Wesper> hahaha

Only one example has nothing to do with religion (unless you ask Bush)!

Have you ever had an amazing thought pop into your head: one that just begged to be shared, but that you would never ever be able to share without people looking at you like WTF because there is almost nothing that you could possibly happen upon that would serve as an appropriate segue into this novel thought?

I just had a thought like that and I don't know where it came from. (You already think I'm nuts, no doubt, so I'll share it with you.) I was getting dressed after showering after mowing the lawn and suddenly I thought:

Tapirs look like penises.

Yep.

Now, for further hilarity, keep that comment in mind as you read this excerpt from Wikipedia's entry on the tapir:

Tapirs are forest animals that love water. Although they frequently live in dryland forests, tapirs with access to lakes or rivers spend a good deal of time in and under the water, feeding on soft vegetation and taking refuge from predators. The Brazilian Tapir often sinks to the bottom of a stream and walks along the riverbed to feed. In forests, they eat fruit, leaves, and berries.

Tapirs are largely nocturnal and crepuscular. The smaller Mountain Tapir of the Andes is generally diurnal, but all four species react to hunting pressure by retreating deeper into inaccessible regions and becoming more nocturnal.

I'm still laughing.

So I'm in this chat room
and the guys are talking about having problems
with some program called Alcohol
and needing to uninstall it.
And I type:

the only way to uninstall alcohol is by vomiting

I'm so funny.

I fucking expect to see some cartoons. Why is Dumb and Dumber on? And why is "Saved by the Bell" joining the CN lineup -- on Adult Swim, of all places?

Not that I mind that last one.

And roughly forty minutes later, my tongue stopped tingling.

I found an old battery in my room that had lots of crystalline white powder around its seams and bottom. Something possessed me to sniff it. It had no scent.

Then, possibly due to my dissatisfaction with this lack of sensory gratification, I resolved to lick it.

It tasted like sour skittles and made my tongue tingle.

My tongue is still tingling.