The Bipolar Freak Who Insists Upon Touching Me

Since this job has me filling in for a woman on extended sick leave, I get at least two visitors every day who, upon seeing the light on in the office, think that she's returned to work and stop in to offer their welcome-backs and good-to-see-yous and whatnot... and early into my second week in the office, she stopped in. No, not the attractive girl (wouldn't I love it if she had trouble keeping her hands off me), but The Bipolar Freak Who Insists Upon Touching Me. So after she kept repeating the same thing over and over again about how the supposed problem with the sick employee wouldn't keep her out that long ("Don't no asthma attack keep you out for two months!"), I noted that she looked familiar and asked where I might have seen her before. I don't know if she thought I was hitting on her with this -- I wasn't; it turns out she's a member of my graduating class in high school -- and I don't know if the knowledge that we graduated together made her feel like she and I had some deeper personal connection, but from that point on she stopped in almost every morning and then again around noontime. This in itself wouldn't have been so bad -- I don't particularly enjoy her company (she doesn't really have anything to say), but her presence was something to help break up the monotony and make the time move more quickly -- but she kept fucking touching me.

I'm not talking pats on the shoulder or even insisting upon greeting me with a hug, either. I'm talking about standing two inches away from me at all times and, since I usually turned my hair to face away from her, leaning over the top of the chair, draping her arms over my shoulders, and placing her chin atop my head. I'm talking about hands in my chair and on my fucking face. Seriously, one day she came in talking about how cold it was outside and then proceeded to place her hands on my cheeks and ask if they were cold. When I replied in the affirmative -- instead of hitting her with the WES CRUSHER and throwing her through the office window -- she responded, "Well, they're always like that, so you'd better get used to it." GET USED TO IT?!?!?!? Yes, this bitch was already planning future touching sessions. And when I was presiding over the club fair at one point, she made it a point to stand two inches from me and then, turning, announce to everyone in the immediate vicinity, "I like him." At that moment, I knew how Laura Winslow felt when fucking Urkel embarrassed her in public by proclaiming his affection for her to whomever would listen. Now, she didn't necessarily mean it in a crush sort of way, but it was still unbelievably weird. Ugh.

And the touching. I'm not one to be mean -- really -- and it's partly my fault for allowing it to go on, but I didn't want to hurt the girl's feelings and I couldn't think of a way to say, "HEY, STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME!!!" without doing just that, so I tended to not say much of anything when she came by (though that too seemed kinda mean to me) and hope she got the hint. She didn't.

So I've mentioned that I've come to hate the freaknerds (for the most part) less and less in the past couple of weeks and have even had a number of friendly conversations with them. So last Friday morning, I was standing in the doorway of the gaming club office chatting with the freaknerd leader and a friend of hers about HTML when bipolar girl came loping up. She walks kind of funny -- she keeps her backpack slung over one shoulder, and it looks like it's far too heavy for her to support that way, so her gait is accordingly altered to make up for it. She tilts to one side, one leg takes slightly shorter steps, etc. Either that or one leg is longer than the other. I don't know. So anyway, she walked up -- again, coming within like two inches of me, and proceeded to begin to hug me when the leader's friend greeted her with "good morning" and addressed her by name...

...whereupon she wheeled, faced the girl, and cried, "Drop dead bitch; how many times I gotta tell you I don't like your ass????" (Now you understand the bipolar descriptor.) And here the freaknerd leader half-leapt to her feet and shouted, "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!" "I'm not in your office!!!" "GET OUT!!!"

At this point, the bipolar girl turned and hesitated, as if she expected me to follow -- I didn't budge -- and then stomped off down the hall in search of other people to annoy, I guess. I was still in shock -- the whole thing happened so fast and came so far out of left field and involved such loudness in contrast to our relatively quiet HTML conversation that it was difficult for me to connect the two events in time -- it was like I had just blacked out for a second and missed some important transitional moments. When I came to and inquired more about the history -- since I assumed there had to have been a history there -- I found out that not even the freaknerds liked the bipolar girl. But this was largely because of her behavior -- like that she displayed on that morning -- and they were still civil with her. But when one person is that nasty to a member of your group, it's hard to interact with that person unless you're totally alone. And freaknerds are never alone.

I'm not going to go into the things that they told me about the bipolar girl, but I will say that seeing her turn and tell the freaknerd leader's friend to drop dead was, aside from dropping her pants and taking a shit right there on the carpet, the least attractive thing she could've done. Not that there aren't ways to be rude and cool at the same time, but her behavior struck me as totally vulgar and uncalled for. I was not looking forward to her inevitable visit, but when she came back in later that day I happened to be in the gaming office again, chatting with several others in the freaknerd crew (including the attractive one and the shameless psychotic one, as the latter described herself). And then, on Monday morning, I happened to be watching movie trailers with the freaknerds when she came through. Both times, she declined to enter. Thankfully, I haven't seen her since.

I don't really have a way to close, except to say that cursing out people who appear to be nice to you -- even if you've had some rough encounters in earlier days -- will do nothing to endear you to a person whom you may be trying to impress (unless you're trying to impress a vicious ass). And pay attention to the signs! Otherwise you won't know that he's not fucking into you.

And please comment. Ja.

P.S. In case you missed that subtle link above, I made the attractive girl in the South Park Create-A-Character thingy for your viewing delight. Click here to see her. Gorgeous! 😀