Thus revealed, the creature buried its nose in the tire-tilled soil...
July 9, 2009
My subconscious frightens me.
Category: Dreams

Last night, I dreamed that I was sitting at the kitchen table when I noticed these two really huge spiders approaching me. Not normal daddy long legs huge or even tarantula huge -- we're talking swollen grapefruits with eight cigar-thick hairy legs huge. And I wasn't so much freaked out as I was annoyed by their presence, because apparently these enormous spiders had accosted me before.

"Fuck," I said, "it's these things again."

I tried stomping on them, but for some reason I was unable to do so despite them being as big as my feet. When they began to climb the chair, I stood, shook them back onto the floor, and swung a black tarpaulin over them. I then went to the tool drawer, retrieved a hammer, and waited at the edge of the tarp for them to emerge so that I could smash their furry heads in.

After minutes of waiting, I removed the tarpaulin to find that they had vanished. The moment I made this discovery, however, I heard a squeak from behind -- and I whirled to see a large (think Ben-sized), fat white mouse zipping around the house. So quite naturally I began diving after the thing with the hammer, smashing dent after dent into the floor as I repeatedly tried and failed to kill the damned thing.

Ultimately it ran through the family room, around the corner, and down into the basement, where I hesitated to follow it. At this point Bacardi sprang up and bolted down the stairs after it. I stood at the top of the stairs screaming for him to come back -- I felt as if I should quickly run down to retrieve him, but for some reason I was terrified of going down there.

Soon Bacardi tired of sniffing for the mouse and came back upstairs, whereupon I saw something truly terrifying. From the basement room into which the mouse had run emerged a green pig walking on its hind legs. It was followed by a freaking grizzly bear -- also on its hind legs -- and a yellow pig walking on its hind legs brought up the rear. This trio of horrors slowly approached the stairs in single file and began climbing them, and then suddenly they were two steps away from the top... and me. I gave a little shriek, slammed the door in their faces, and bolted it. Not one second later, the door opened as if it had never been fully closed in the first place.

Now I ran. I turned just long enough to impotently hurl the hammer at the three before resuming my dash back to the tool drawer. This time I retrieved a magnum (I know nothing about guns, but it was the same weapon I used so well in Resident Evil 2 and fired with the same sound effect), whirled to see the green pig and his cohorts right in front of me, and shot at them at point blank range.

BANG! Bang -- bang, bang, bang.


They simply stood there blinking; the gun had no effect whatsoever.

"I can't shoot you, can I?" I asked.

The green pig said, "NO."

"What do you want?"


"Can I leave?"

Again, the green pig said, "NO."

I looked at the gun in my hand. "I don't suppose I'll be able to shoot myself in the head?"


The bear's mouth hung open lazily and A globule of white drool fell from it. I resolved to try to shoot myself despite the green pig's words.

But I found myself in my bed before I had finished raising the gun to my temple.

That was the most fucked up dream I have had in at least several months.

-posted by Wes | 7:15 pm | Comments (7)
  • Monty Python says:

    That sonds more like an acid trip than a dream...

    • Wes says:

      Really? My dreams aren't always this freaky, but they often follow similar paths.

      Perhaps I should stay away from acid...

  • Ragey says:

    Is it wrong that the part that interested me most was... the pig's casual honesty about his intentions? In my dreams I never know what's going on, not even if I ask a close friend or family member, they just don't tell me. I'm left completely in the dark of what's happening. At least you were warned in advance of what was going to happen rather than being messily eat-raped in the midst of vainly struggling to escape. Though, uh, is it better to KNOW what's going to happen to you in advance or just find out when it happens?

    • Wes says:

      Oh yeah, my dreams are weird like that! Even when normally I'd be completely clueless about said events, I tend to know quite a lot about what's happening in my dreams. I even have a whole different dream memory -- to the point where I not only recall events and people and places that I have never experienced, met, or visited in real life, but also vividly remember other dreams that I only vaguely remember in waking life. In fact, other dreams have helped me to fill in the gaps regarding mostly forgotten dreams and have reminded me of dreams that I had years ago.

      It's things like this that make me think dreaming actually allows us to tap into alternate universes and continuities and strange new dimensions of existence and whatnot.

      As far as knowing what's going to happen to one... yes, I think it's probably better to know that sort of thing. Especially in a dream, since then one can wake the hell up before it happens. I can imagine how it might have looked, but I'd rather not have a working visual of an erect grizzly bear gnawing greedily on my severed arm.

  • Becky says:

    Your subconscious frightens me too! I hate having those dreams of being chased and/or dying -- I wake up feeling tired.

    • Wes says:

      Interestingly enough, I rarely do a lot of fleeing in my dreams! I'll dash across rooms and things like that to escape attackers -- generally because I'm running to get weapons to defend myself -- but most of the running I do in my dreams involves me pursuing someone/something else. And rather than waking up tired from those kinds of dreams, I tend to wake up feeling pumped!

  • the Jax says:

    Just so you don't feel alone, someone I know in San Jose was recently the victim of a drive-by water bottle bombardment. Why a complete stranger would throw their perfectly good beverage at a pedestrian minding his own business is still a mystery. This happened after dark, though.

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