Last night, I dreamed that I was sitting at the kitchen table when I noticed these two really huge spiders approaching me. Not normal daddy long legs huge or even tarantula huge -- we're talking swollen grapefruits with eight cigar-thick hairy legs huge. And I wasn't so much freaked out as I was annoyed by their presence, because apparently these enormous spiders had accosted me before.

"Fuck," I said, "it's these things again."

I tried stomping on them, but for some reason I was unable to do so despite them being as big as my feet. When they began to climb the chair, I stood, shook them back onto the floor, and swung a black tarpaulin over them. I then went to the tool drawer, retrieved a hammer, and waited at the edge of the tarp for them to emerge so that I could smash their furry heads in.

After minutes of waiting, I removed the tarpaulin to find that they had vanished. The moment I made this discovery, however, I heard a squeak from behind -- and I whirled to see a large (think Ben-sized), fat white mouse zipping around the house. So quite naturally I began diving after the thing with the hammer, smashing dent after dent into the floor as I repeatedly tried and failed to kill the damned thing.

Ultimately it ran through the family room, around the corner, and down into the basement, where I hesitated to follow it. At this point Bacardi sprang up and bolted down the stairs after it. I stood at the top of the stairs screaming for him to come back -- I felt as if I should quickly run down to retrieve him, but for some reason I was terrified of going down there.

Soon Bacardi tired of sniffing for the mouse and came back upstairs, whereupon I saw something truly terrifying. From the basement room into which the mouse had run emerged a green pig walking on its hind legs. It was followed by a freaking grizzly bear -- also on its hind legs -- and a yellow pig walking on its hind legs brought up the rear. This trio of horrors slowly approached the stairs in single file and began climbing them, and then suddenly they were two steps away from the top... and me. I gave a little shriek, slammed the door in their faces, and bolted it. Not one second later, the door opened as if it had never been fully closed in the first place.

Now I ran. I turned just long enough to impotently hurl the hammer at the three before resuming my dash back to the tool drawer. This time I retrieved a magnum (I know nothing about guns, but it was the same weapon I used so well in Resident Evil 2 and fired with the same sound effect), whirled to see the green pig and his cohorts right in front of me, and shot at them at point blank range.

BANG! Bang -- bang, bang, bang.

Bang.

They simply stood there blinking; the gun had no effect whatsoever.

"I can't shoot you, can I?" I asked.

The green pig said, "NO."

"What do you want?"

"WE WILL OCCUPY AND TRANSFORM THIS RESIDENCE FOR OUR LIVING PURPOSES."

"Can I leave?"

Again, the green pig said, "NO."

I looked at the gun in my hand. "I don't suppose I'll be able to shoot myself in the head?"

"NO," said the green pig. "THE BEAR WILL TEAR YOU APART, DEVOUR YOUR FLESH, AND RAPE YOUR ORIFICES -- IN WHATEVER ORDER PLEASES HIM."

The bear's mouth hung open lazily and A globule of white drool fell from it. I resolved to try to shoot myself despite the green pig's words.

But I found myself in my bed before I had finished raising the gun to my temple.

That was the most fucked up dream I have had in at least several months.