Okay. Somebody explain this shit to me, because I'm fucking confused.

Why the fuck would you fill a Purex detergent container with Tide?

Okay, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it makes no sense whatsoever. We're dealing with principle here, and it's not like the Tide container pisses on the carpet and takes dumps in the dishwater. Nor does the Purex container sing and dance Irish jigs and magically pour itself. The Purex container has no special qualities or properties to recommend it over the Tide container, so there's no reason not to simply throw away or recycle the Purex container and pour the Tide from the container it fucking came in to begin with.

SO WHY DO IT?!?!?!?

I don't fucking know, but that's what my mother did. It's like she has nothing better to do than to pour things from containers into other containers and mix shit that doesn't belong together.

Take this example from last Saturday. I had two different kinds of cheese curls in different bags, because that's what they fucking came in. One was a $1 bag of cheese curls from Walmart, about half full. One was a bag of Star Wars Twisted Cheetos, about 1/4 full -- just enough left for use in a Scary-Crayon Random Lunch, which is what I was planning to use them for. I typically save the last portion of a bag of whatever for use in Foodstuffs articles on SC. In fact, I'd purchased the cheese curls from Walmart in order to be able to preserve the SW Cheetos and still be able to eat cheese curls -- I hadn't touched the Cheetos since I'd gotten it. Anyway, I come in from work starving and start munching on the cheese curls straight out of the bag. I figure I'm exceptionally hungry, because damn, these Walmart cheese curls never tasted that good before. So I'm eating and eating and finally I look down at my hands... to notice that in addition to orange around my fingers, there are patches of black. "What the fuck?" I thought to myself. Then I peered into the bag and discovered... that someone had seen fit to FUCKING POUR THE CONTENTS OF MY BAG OF STAR WARS CHEETOS INTO THE WALMART CHEESE CURLS BAG!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, MOTHER?!?!?! She wanted to clear space, like a bag of cheetos takes up so much fucking space. HAVE YOU NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN MIX AND RUIN SHIT -- MY SHIT -- THAT DOESN'T BELONG IN THE SAME BAG?!?!?!? Fuck! So I couldn't do the article because I'd eaten the SW Cheetos that I'd planned to save, hence my purchasing the cheese curls from Walmart. My entire plan was ruined. 🙁

Once I reached into a package of Oreo cookies that I'd bought and, after eating a few, noticed that for whatever reason they all fucking tasted like maple. WHY THE FUCK DO THE OREO COOKIES TASTE LIKE MAPLE?!?!? Because we'd also had a package of Maple Leaf cookies around and Mom had seen fit to put them into the Oreo cookies package to save space. Bloody fuck I hate that she does that.

And it's not like I don't say anything. Every time she does it -- and this has been going on for months now -- I say, "Hey, Mom, DON'T FUCKING DO THAT! THESE THINGS DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER AND PUTTING THEM TOGETHER IN THE SAME BAG ALWAYS BRINGS DISASTER!!!" And yet she still continues to do it! I seriously think she does it to irritate me. She never does anything with any food that she buys, but always my stuff. And then when I say something she acts like it's the first time I've ever said anything about it, or responds with some bullshit like, "Oooh, maple-flavored Oreo cookies sound like they'd be good!" WELL GUESS WHAT? IF I'D WANTED FUCKING MAPLE-FLAVORED OREO COOKIES I'D HAVE POURED SYRUP ON THEM, BITCH! Bloody hell.

And do you remember that time she had me cut the grass in the fucking dark? Well these days she cuts it herself because I'm usually working and she's one of those people who has to have things done right now right this motherfucking instant when she wants them done and if you can't do it she'll do it herself but she'll bitch about the fact that she had to do it 'till the cows come home. Anyway, tonight she started cutting the grass shortly after 6 PM. After 6 PM?! The light was already fading from the sky. It'd be too dark to clearly see what one was doing before an hour had passed. Granted, she'd be finished shortly after it got dark enough for the streetlamps to come on -- she cuts the grass in this quick and half-assed way so it's all uneven looking and shit like a bad haircut and finishes in just under or just over an hour -- but still. Why not just wait until it's bright the next day and cut it then? She once told me that she didn't understand why I'd cut the grass at 2PM in the daytime heat instead of waiting until the evening, when it would be cooler. I told her that I can't fucking see that late and, since it takes me a good 2 hours to cut the grass -- because I go over it multiple times to ensure that the cut is mostly even (it's the same with my haircuts) -- I really would be out there in the fucking dark. She doesn't get it, though.

This last point's got me thinking, though. There are people who put off a task until the appropriate time to do it -- the time at which it could best be done and done well -- even if they'll sweat a little more, and there are people who'd rather half-ass it right now because that way it's more comfortable for them. There are people who wait until they can see clearly to undertake a project, even if that means that their task will be harder to accomplish, and there are people who prefer to work blind because it's cooler with the lights off. This distinction applies to many things, grasshoppers.

Even issues relating to dating and religion can be explained in terms of this teaching. Frex, there are people who look around them and see horrible and unexplainable things and question what it all means, facing the possibility that, in fact, it all means nothing -- or, worse, means something less than good -- and suffer the confusion, despair, and uncertainty that accompanies these thoughts, and there are those who cling to the promises of politicians and cult leaders and thus retain their calm and their peace of mind while assuring themselves that all is for the best because a divine being of infinite love is in charge of everything.

Anyway, that's all for now. The Wes has spoken. Ja ne.