Okay. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- what's with all the dating anxiety?

Seriously. The Anonymous Blogger is whining about his lack of a relationship. Dawn's upset because God hasn't sent her an angel in the flesh. All The Anonymous Blogette ever writes about is dating. WHO BLOODY CARES ABOUT DATING? They do, obviously. But why?

It strikes me as weird, but it's not like I can say I've never been there. In fact, it's precisely the fact that I have been there that it seems so odd to me. Back when I was in high school, in college, surrounded by everyone around me hooking up and losing their virginity or indulging in their lost virginity -- back when it seemed like one was a total loser if one wasn't making out in public or regaling the fellows with tales of past or present sexual achievements -- I probably wanted to have a relationship with a member of the opposite sex almost as much as TAB here does. When I attended classes -- much the way TAB speaks of attending get-togethers and parties -- I was "scoping" women, and every female I met was a potential candidate for the position of Brandon's Girlfriend. I'd even made tentative plans to kill myself if I wasn't in a significant relationship by age 23.

Then I asked a girl out and she tried to have me arrested for murder. That kinda put a damper on the hiring process, but I did consider a handful of women afterwards for the position. When they reacted by telling their friends I was stalking them, I figured screw these whores -- for my own safety, I decided that it would be best if I keep to myself.

And now here I am, a few years later, and I could care less about the fact that I'm not dating. I'm going on 24 and I'm a virgin. So bloody what? To be sure, there were periods of time during my self-imposed isolation that I felt all sad and lonely that I didn't have a girlfriend, but that was long ago. And I've encountered women and the occasional man whom I find attractive and interesting, but I have no desire to fuck them -- not that I've ever had much of a desire to fuck anyone, but that's another post in and of itself -- or even ask them out. It's enough to look at them and/or talk with them while they're there and let them walk out of my life as easily as they stepped into it. I know that I once felt the same way TAB and Dawn and the Blogette do, but that seems like a distant memory, a half-remembered dream, a movie I think I saw as a child but I'm not really sure because maybe I just read a brief synopsis of it in the TV Guide. But I think about it and I think, "Damn! They must waste a lot of time worrying about this stuff!"

And therein I think lies the cure. In TAB's comments, Caren occasionally steps up to champion therapy -- fuck that. Don't dwell on this dating shit; forget about it! Find something that you like doing -- that doesn't involve whining about your lack of a love life, TAB, since I know you like doing that -- and do it! I'll be honest -- my life fucking sucks, and I recognize that, but while I often feel like hanging myself from the attic rafters, keeping busy hasn't afforded me the necessary time to dwell on the deed that would preclude my taking such measures. Whoa, awkward sentence! But I mean that this crap wouldn't bother you if you had other things with which to occupy your time. I HATE HATE HATE working at the bookstore, but rather than killing everyone or myself, I turn that frustration into Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flashes for Scary-Crayon. Actually, I think the site's been quite therapeutic for me in its own right, but again, that's another post.

Hell, I don't even remember what I was going to say anymore and I don't think this post went in the direction I'd intended it to -- see what happens when one works out of one's usual environment! -- but whatever. DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN BITCH, BITCHES! And you'll be fine. I'm seriously, guys. Drop the dating coaches, drop the dating help books, drop the dating columns, drop the dating services, drop all of it -- and not because you've been told that once you stop worrying about finding a mate, you'll find one, but because you're better than the societal pressure that dictates that you're less than human if you're not in a significant romantic relationship with another person! Personally, I've got better things to do than spend $30 a month for the privilege of e-mailing countless people I don't know for the purposes of going on dates five nights a week that in almost all cases don't amount to anything except frustration and depression on my part and a hole in my pocket. TAB's always complaining about having to pay on dates, but does he complain about the dating service fees? That's the real injustice! E-mailing people is FREE! See?

I'm not even going to tell you to stop worrying because someday you'll meet that special person, because as Dawn read in her inspirational book for Christian women or whatever, you may not. Nor should you care! I may NEVER lose my virginity, but who gives a shit?! Man, when I turn sixty, people from all over will be interviewing me and stuff and I'll be hella famous. And hey, one can't make Random Lunches and draw Hot Flashes while one is in the sack! Unless of course it's a rather large sack and some light gets in so one can see the paper. HA!

I'm just rambling now. But hey, it beats bitching about the date I didn't go on tonight! 😀