Well, given the recent cavalcade of substantial posts (why can't I be this prolific with my fiction writing?), I'm going to try and write a relatively light-hearted entry tonight. While I'm trying to stay out of the replacement theology debate that's going on over at Dawn's (and though my understanding of the issue is limited, it seems to me that replacement theology not only seems like a logical step to make, but also has a few Biblical verses sort of going for it), I did want to respond to a few points in her latest post. But I may just do that by e-mail. Speaking of e-mail, Mac made a few points in our ongoing dialogue with respect to my last post -- I'll have to get clearance first to post them here, but they're worth adding to the record. And I also wanted to say a few more words on the matter (in conjunction with my commentary on Dawn's points), but those can wait for now.
SO! Taking a cue from Dawn and Mac, who took their cue from Tamara and Allie, as mentioned by The Anonymous Blogger, who stumbled upon the page following a link from our very own Blog of Wes (funny how these things run full circle, innit?), I've decided to post my own list of DEAL BREAKAAAAHS. Before I get into that, however, it's worth noting (or maybe it isn't) that I don't see why Dawn's still livin' the single life -- excepting #5 and #6 (and probably an unwritten age requirement?), even I'd qualify -- and regarding #5, I wasn't a student that long ago, and with respect to #6, Dawn's a pretty devout Christian today and I'm pretty sure that she wasn't when she was 22, so I've got time to "come around," as they say. ;P So yeah, I don't get it, since I never qualify for these things. Guess Dawn just spends too much time at work. 🙂 So yeah, it's Wes deal breaker time -- after a brief word on the slights of yesterday.
(Ed. Or, given that my sister's arrival resulted in my dragging on with the indignation longer than I'd originally intended, if you want to skip to the fun, clicking here should spare you the lengthy expression of my outrage at my sister's acts of viciousness.)
Crap, my sister just arrived. For those of you who've read the post about my last interaction with her (here), you can imagine how that makes me feel. All day I've been expecting her to pop up at every moment -- like one of those flash movies depicting a quiet room, but you just know that an onslaught of screaming bloody zombie heads and demons is inevitable -- which has not done wonders for my "nerves," as they say. I've also had to endure my mother's statements to the effect of "you should just get over it" and "you're acting like a little kid" -- which has further enraged me. You don't just "get over" anyone, let alone your sister, calling the police and telling bloody outrageous lies about you trying to kill her. And hopefully "little kids" have no idea what that's like, so it doesn't make sense to say that anyone who has to deal with something like that is acting like one, given the gravity of the context. The maximum sentence for attempted murder generally around 20-30 years to life, and though different states have different minimums (I'm in Maryland), a quick search yielded some Illinois statistics which report their minimum at six years. My point, simply, is that this is serious shit any way you look at it -- certainly not something easily "gotten over."
My mother has responded by saying, "You shouldn't have hit her" -- and I maintain that I didn't. At the worst I gave her four one-armed shoves, though certainly not forceful enough to remove her from her position in my face. But you know what? Fine, let's call them "hits". They'd have to be weak jabs to the shoulder, and it's kinda hard to land a really good blow with forward-moving fingers (i.e., my fist wasn't closed and it wouldn't have been a palm strike), but whatever. If you've read the story, you know that 1) my sister put on a showing like that of a seriously battered woman, 2) her words to the operator included "he just won't stop hitting me" and "I'm really scared", and 3) she told the cops I tried to kill her and had made multiple attempts to do so in the past.
So even if we call them "hits", regarding (2) we still have to note that a) there was a definite end to them and b) she was in no way really scared, because she continued to scream in my face with delight about how she'd gotten me in trouble with the police and about how much she hates me -- both before the cops came and after they left. Maybe she's just stupid, but I know that if I were afraid of someone -- especially if I'd horribly wronged that person by telling lies about him and summoning the police to deal with him -- I'd at the very least keep my distance from him. And certainly these "hits" in no way warranted (1), which is just more outright deception with malevolent intent, and they certainly wouldn't have constituted the third and most serious of the above points (unless someone wanted to argue that I was aiming for some pressure point around the shoulder area that, if pressed, results in the death of the victim). But these arguments are lost on my mother.
Moreover, I specifically said, "...Kristen, I care about you. So no, I'm not going to hurt you. You have nothing to fear from me." Now admittedly, such a statement would have meant little had it been delivered as I repeatedly smashed her face in with my fist. But given the reality of the situation I'd have to say that even if she didn't believe the "I care about you" part, she certainly didn't believe that she was any danger, as mentioned above, per her behavior in the situation -- unless you're deeply stupid, you don't scream, "I HATE YOU!" ad infinitum into the face of someone you believe is about to murder you. But my sister is far from stupid, or even "bonkers," as Dawn put it recently -- she's a really vicious and nasty individual, and always has been. So in a way I'm glad that I committed the unpardonable sin that justifies everything that followed -- according to my mother -- and "touched her first." Following a prior spat, she rushed up behind me on the stairs and bludgeoned me multiple times over the head with a 1/2 scale wooden Louisville Slugger replica (and it's also noteworthy that on that occasion my mother stood in front of me and blocked my path, so I could not move out of the way). On another occasion she threw a remote control at me and, missing, took out a large chunk of the wall, and on another she threw a heavy combination lock at me and scored a direct hit in my crotch. She once picked up a cup and wildly hurled it at me from the other side of the room -- and ended up nailing my mother in the face with it, though my mother was standing nowhere near me at the time. She's always been really nasty to other people, which is pretty much a given for members of the popular cliques and "in-crowds" (though they'll fawn over you and do anything for you if you look like that guy who plays Clark on "Smallville" or can put a ball in a net with a modicum of consistency). And throughout the course of our relationship, she's emphatically screamed, "I HATE YOU!!!!" at me more times than I can remember, but the truth of those words never really rang true for me until I watched her dial 9-1-1 and take up the role of a distressed and battered damsel, only to hang up the phone and shriek with glee about how she'd been true to her word: "...if you even touch me I'll call the cops...!!!!" So if my laying hands on her -- which, admittedly, was wrong, though I think I showed amazing restraint given the circumstances -- resulted in my truly coming to apprehend the speech and character of my only sister, I'm glad that the ordeal happened. I'd heard that she hated me before, but now I know it. I'll not forget.
My sympathies to Mac and anyone else whose "foes [have been] they of his[/her] own household" (Matthew 10:36).
Wes's DEAL BREAKERS!!!!!! (In no particular order.)
No Weslove for you if...
1. ...you're a relativist. I'm fairly well acquainted with wrong -- see above -- and I'd like to believe that words like "right" and "good" and "virtue" actually mean something, and I guarantee you'll piss me off if you tell me that they don't, and that I only see wrong because I "choose" to see wrong.
2. ...you're a staunch Republican or Democrat. Neither the Right nor the Left is consistently right on issues, and even when one of them comes to the correct conclusion the reasoning behind it is usually faulty and incomplete. And there are more than two sides to an issue, honey.
3. ...you're a conformist and/or stereotype. But come back when you acquire a unique personality! ^_^
4. ...you're mean and vicious as bloody hell. (See the above rant.)
5. ...you're a bloody idiot.
6. ...you're "outspoken" -- i.e. you have "opinions" about everything and could care less about trivialities like "thinking through them." You're just exercising your First Amendment rights, after all. (See #5.)
7. ...you're a devout and resolute atheist. (Cf. #1; for further reading check out my Feb. 5 entry entitled "For Hannah".)
8. ...you're a really anal and picky eater. I don't eat beef or pork and I'm kinda squeamish about things with large bones (I prefer my chicken in strips or patties or boneless breasts, etc.), but I also make foods like tuna pancakes and THE SANDWICH SO WEIRD it frightens McGriddles. This one's really for your protection -- if you're not down with the culinary weirdness, you're not going to be amused when I break out the chocolate chip cheese cookies. (You just got a special sneak-preview of an upcoming SC article! 😉 Stay tuned...) Not to mention my cookie crushes. Plus I still remember how hot my neighbor Melissa looked when I was in elementary school and she was in middle school and she was sitting on the sidewalk eating a tub of ice cream without using her hands or a spoon... Aaaand that's as far as I'm going with this one. 😉
9. ...you're excessively "girly" and care way too much about your appearance. A girl who doesn't usually wear makeup (at least not to look more attractive according to society's standards; heavy black eyeliner, black lipstick, and the occasional full-on Gothic whiteface are acceptable) is preferable to one who does, and extra-athletic and weight conscious women need not apply. I could care less about whether you can fit into a size 4 dress (though if you look like the women featured in the SC Maury episode review that could be problematic...), and per #8 I'd be pretty happy to find a girl who's enthusiastic about the culinary insanity that ensues when I step into the kitchen. And who gives a crap about shopping and trying to wear the latest fashions and paying excessive amounts of money at the hairdresser's?!?!? I'd take a nerdy girl with glasses and a cheddar-colored sweater or a punkish girl who wears 80s rock band t-shirts and has washed-out two-tone poorly-dyed hair over one of these supermodel types anyday.
10. ...you regard cartoons and toys (etc.) as "kids' stuff" and therefore look down on them. But if you've visited Scary-Crayon, that one should go without saying.
11. ...you're not a virgin or place too much emphasis on sex in relationships (even in a marriage). Admittedly I don't care much for sex at all; I'd much rather spend the night cuddling with a girl and gently kissing her limbs while we discussed Plato's Phaedrus, or resting my head on her shoulder while she absently snacked on popcorn as we watched obscure horror movies in marathon fashion. And if she gave me a squeeze with her arm from time to time or raised my face to hers on occasion, just to kiss my forehead or lick my nose for no apparent reason, I'd probably drop to the floor and say, "Why, this is just amazing! It's not common knowledge that the tops of clouds look exactly like carpet, you know." (Holy crap! For the record, I didn't mean that as a double entendre -- by "carpet" I meant a carpeted floor. Just in case you were thinking what I think you were thinking, Anon. ;P)
12. ...you don't have a number of interesting things to tell me and you don't impress me in any respect. (In the positive sense of the word "impress" -- I've been "strongly affected" by the viciousness of more than a few people.)
I could probably come up with more -- hell, you could probably come up with more just from reading my stuff 😉 -- but let's call the list at twelve. If I were going for an exhaustive list, though "poor hygiene" would definitely be on there, among other obvious ones. But now, let's move to...
Wes's LOOKING FORS!!!!!! (Again, in no particular order.)
Obviously, not all of these "characteristics" need be shared by the same person. This is mostly just fun filler, since I took care of a number of the real "looking fors" in the list above -- if not explicitly, then by negation. 🙂 So! Wes is looking for:
1. God.
2. Illyria from "Angel".
(Thank MediasharX for the eye candy. 🙂 This lovely image has been slightly modified from its original form.)
3. Willow Rosenberg from "Buffy". Duh. Preferably cute ol' geeky Willow from Buffy's first and second seasons, though the alternate universe vampire Willow and the evil sixth season variant would also be acceptable.
4. Carmen Sandiego. Or, conversely, a wealthy woman with a helicopter or jet or other means of airborne transportation who could dramatically swoop down and deliver me from the Hell in which I am presently confined. Or just a really rich woman who rescued me by comparatively mundane means (like via limo), but who was willing to financially support me in my creative pursuits (writing, living) and take me with her to all sorts of neat places around the world -- and possibly beyond! Carmen did a stint in space too, you know, not to mention the whole time travel thing...
5. Lydia from Beetlejuice -- either the Winona Ryder movie version or the cartoon version, but preferably the latter (perhaps with Winona's real-life looks, unless I could become a cartoon. That would rock...). Lydia was pretty cool in the movie, but the latter one pretty much had an all-access-pass to the Netherworld and could take me along on all sorts of wacky adventures with THE GHOST WITH THE MOST!!!! Yeah, those would be great times. 🙂
6. April O'Neil -- old cartoon, new cartoon, Judith Hoag, Paige Turco, whatever. C'mon, this one should be obvious. 😉
7. Rogue! Because she's got frickin' badass mutant powers, that adorable skunk streak in her hair, and that extra-sexy Southern accent -- I'd never get tired of hearing her talk. I'm not much for Anna Paquin (or the bloody awful X-Men films), but the new Rogue on "X-Men Evolution" is a goth! Yes, please.
8. LUCIFER. As she appears in Bedazzled, that is. C'mon, I gave God the nod; had to give the Devil his her due. 😉 And that Liz Hurley is just too bloody much.
But in all seriousness, I'm just looking for...
9. Someone who's really well-read and can recommend lots of interesting books to me.
10. Someone with artistic talent -- singing, writing, painting, etc.
11. Someone with a modicum of brilliance -- which differs from simply being "smart" or "intelligent."
12. Someone who thinks I matter and is willing to work with me to help me grow and approach my potential, and someone who thinks I can help her in that respect and is very much interested in having me around to do so. In short, someone who really loves me.
13. A heroine.
So yeah, with the first eight -- which was really more of a "most wanted" type list than a "looking for" deal -- a more exhaustive list would've included a handful of people I've met in real life or via the internet and quite a few other fictional characters, like Darla and Drusilla from "Buffy" and "Angel", Fred from "Angel" (as opposed to Illyria -- same body, same actress, Amy Acker, different being -- Illyria's essentially one of the Titans of Greek mythology), a bunch of video game characters (e.g. Chun Li), and I'd be here for days and days and days. But as far as #9-13 go, I think those sum up what I'm looking for pretty succinctly -- there's more to be said about them, of course, but that's pretty much it. Which isn't to say that the qualities and advantages of #1-8 aren't among my list of desirables. What I wouldn't give for Carmen Sandiego to land a really heavy cargo plane in the driveway (thereby crushing my sister's car) right now...
And bloody hell, I've been writing this entry for the past six hours. E-mail me and comment on it -- thus implying that there's something in there worthy of commentary -- so I don't feel so bad about that. Pretty please? 🙂