At some point during the three hours of sleep I got last night, I dreamed that I'd totally forgotten about that pet turtle I purchased exactly 20 days ago and, as a result, had forgotten to feed it. I envisioned myself hurrying to its terrarium, finding it dead, and resurrecting it with a single scrap of wet lettuce and a few magic words. But when I found it dead, placed that scrap of wet lettuce before its tiny mouth, and said the incantation from my imagination, nothing happened. The turtle was dead. But then I picked it up and thought it might make a good action figure of sorts, so I ran a google search for information about how to perform reptile taxidermy at home. Then I woke up. Or, rather, I came to my senses, since I found myself standing over the computer staring at list of search results for "self taxidermy reptile".

As I made my way to the bathroom, though, I kept thinking that something about the dream seemed very real to me. At length, I convinced myself that I hadn't purchased a small turtle, but something about that damned turtle looked too familiar. No, it wasn't a Ninja Turtle, though I did consider that possibility. Then, in the shower, it hit me.

It was fucking Squirtle.

Ugh, I am exhausted.