Thus revealed, the creature buried its nose in the tire-tilled soil...
March 25, 2004
SC stuff and more JL questions.
Category: SC Updates

So tonight I finished the first draft of the TMNT anime review, episode 2. So far I've got 4,155 words and 268 screen captures. Yikes. Of course, not all of those screencaps will make it into the review -- only about 1/4 of them -- but still, that's a lot of cappin'. The review itself will probably be even longer, though, so I'm thinking maybe I'll skip the Metal Shredder review at the end of the article, since it'll be more than long enough as it is. Most of the people only visit the first page of the articles anyway. :/

Dusty Plastic HELL #3 should go up sometime tomorrow evening/night (and by tomorrow, I mean today -- I haven't slept yet, so it's still Wednesday to me). Or perhaps earlier, given that it's raining right now. If it's raining when I wake up, that means I won't be going out, which means I'll have nothing better to do than whip it into shape early. It's hardly as great as DPHell #2, and certainly not as much fun as the Where's April??? comic, but it's not too bad. DPHell #4 and #5 are the ones I'm really looking forward to doing, since the idea for #4 should be neat and I've already written the script for #5. Tremble when you hear the name of Skelegore, for soon he will feast upon your dreams.

Also, yesterday/today SC didn't do too well in terms of visits -- the blog actually got more hits, which rarely happens. They pulled about even the day before, too. I'm not sure what to make of that. Ah well, I'm sure SC visits will soar once the second TMNT anime review goes up.

So. Towards the end of the previous entry, I asked some important questions regarding the Justice League cartoon. Not only did The Anonymous Blogger step forward with a response, but De of Retroactive Continuity also had some answers to add to the mix. Unfortunately, I fear that their thoughts have only given rise to more questions, which I shall ask as I respond to the points they raise.

Anon writes:

To begin, yes the Flash has to shit like everybody else. However, he does it so fast that nobody sees it. Mind you, his shit isn't anywhere near as scary as Superman's, which I believe is sentient. Martian Manhunter shits out kittens (don't ask). Wonder Woman doesn't shit so much as glow. Batman, quite simply, doesn't shit, which is why he's so surly all the time. The JL toilets have to be coated in teflon, adamantium, and Kryptonite.

This answers my concerns about the Flash, but this new information about the others worries me. For example, Anon notes that Superman's shit is possibly sentient, but nowhere does he imply that Martian Manhunter's shit is potentially sentient as well -- which leads me to believe that Anon doesn't think MM's solid excretions are sentient at all. Therefore, since MM shits kittens, we must assume that he shits dead kittens. So I can understand why Anon would add "don't ask" in the parenthetical, because this is some seriously disturbing information. But perhaps it makes sense. After all, given that he's called the Martian Manhunter, I assume he's from Mars -- but as far as we know, there is no intelligent life on that planet. We are, however, aware of intelligent life on the planet Melmac -- and wouldn't you know it, the inhabitants of Melmac also happen to have a taste for cats! Sure, MM lacks the appearance of the Melmacians with which we're familiar, but he's also a shapeshifter, so who's to say his original form isn't really that of a short, furry creature with a snout? So should crazy hermit ladies keep a close eye on their pussies when MM comes a-knockin'? I do not have the answers to these questions.

Also, Anon's suppository supposition that the JL toilets are coated in Kryptonite seems problematic, as that would undoubtedly weaken Superman every time he took a seat on the bowl -- which leads me to believe that not only would he lack the strength to force the turds from his sphincter in their entirety, but also that the exertion would leave him far too drained to wipe afterwards. But how does he put up with having a dirty ass that itches all the time? I know he's Superman, but c'mon. Or perhaps now we know what really happened to those missing pages in the telephone booth directories...?

Green Lantern's human, so I'll assume that his shit isn't anything out of the ordinary, but if Hawkgirl's an alien, what about her? Given what we've suggested earlier regarding MM, and given that hawks are birds that aren't really associated with anything except eating other birds and perhaps the occasional rabbit, we've got to imagine that she shits dead sparrows and pigeons and bunnies. Unless she doesn't shit at all, and simply coughs up pellets of bones, feathers, and fur instead. Thoughts?

On to De's thoughts. He suggests that perhaps the Flash can "vibrate his sphincter fast enough to make his super-powered feces enter another dimension," and notes that the Flash doesn't always move at an incredible speed, and thus doesn't necessarily take superfast shits. The only thing I have to say in response to this is that apparently this is true for actions that he can control, but suppose that he can't control the speed of internal physical processes (though last night's episode raises some questions about that, as he caused his heart to beat so fast that it seemed like it wasn't beating at all). This would mean that his fecal matter is produced and compacted fairly quickly, and supposing that it retains the inertia of its internal generation, it would still shoot out of his ass with remarkable speed -- or at least speed fast enough to damage a normal bowl. But De also notes that the JL probably has pretty durable toilets, so that takes care of that difficulty.

However, with respect to the cleaning of the JL Watchtower, De writes, "I would assume there are some kind of robots that take care of cleaning the joint." If that's true, forget the backstories and explanations presented in The Animatrix and the Terminator films -- if robots are forced to clean Superman's sentient shit (not to mention the crumbs of it that he trails to the door, where he finally regains the strength to pull up his tights), MM's dead kittens, and whatever nasty stuff Hawkgirl produces on her diet of wild birds and rabbits, that's the real reason they're going to lose their minds and decide to kill the lot of us. And you know what? I don't blame them.

And regarding Hawkgirl, De writes, "As for Hawkgirl, she's part of the team's muscle. Sort of like their Wolverine. You're right in that she doesn't do an awful lot aside from smashing stuff." To which I respond: Though her mask may look similar, she is no Wolverine, for Wolverine was the X-Men's everything. Back when I kept up with the Marvel comics, if a new issue of X-Men hit the stands and you told someone it sucked, the first thing they'd say in response is, "Oh, so Wolverine wasn't in it?" Wolverine had a special relationship with everyone in the X-Men, from his role as a father figure to Jubilee to the heartfelt bond he shared with Cyclops because he constantly dreamed about skewering him with his claws and raping Jean Grey over his dead and bleeding corpse. The point is this -- if Wolverine was MIA, you noticed. With Hawkgirl, it's the other way around -- she steps onscreen and it's like, "Wow, Hawkgirl's in this episode!" and I was floored when she actually opened her mouth and said something. (She spent all of last night's episode unconscious, and even the alternate universe Hawkgirl didn't say a single word.) And as for smashing things, I rarely see her smash anything -- usually she's the first person to rush forward and get smashed into unconsciousness and off of the screen, where she apparently spends the rest of the episode because we don't see her again. Or maybe she's so embarrassed and depressed at her weakness that she flies off to binge on live rabbits?

Questions, questions, questions.

-posted by Wes | 6:53 am | Comments (0)
No Comments »
Leave a Reply...