I do not know how to move forward in a world where anyone can shed fake tears and accuse me of the most heinous offenses -- purely out of spite and malice -- and others will believe the lies without question. If anyone ever says anything kind about me, I cannot believe it -- not because I think the person is necessarily lying, but because I know that it would take very little for that person to retract the statement and brand me a murderer, rapist, stalker, et cetera: the speaker need only hear that opinion from another or listen to a particular 911 recording. And because the individuals who regard me so poorly are not in short supply -- and because 911 calls are public and accessible to everyone (for a $50 fee, you can get a CD recording of my own sister howling about how I've tried to kill her multiple times and am in the process of thrashing her fatally even as she makes the call; the recording will not include her laughing and gloating about said call afterwards) -- I am convinced that even a person who sincerely thinks well of me will not hold that opinion for long.

My father recently told me that I live like I'm in prison -- as if I have limitless potential and the world is my oyster and whatever bullshit cliché applies. What he does not understand (and I don't know why he wouldn't, except that he never listens to me) is that all of the criteria for me to actually go to prison have already been satisfied. My life is a shocking example of how easy it is for others to convincingly accuse me of crimes I did not commit, and there is not a jury around that would let me go free after listening to that recording (which the prosecution would undoubtedly play).

Hell, during a visit to his family members last month, my father even watched as my sister shed her fake tears and repeated her claim that I'm a violent psychopath who's tried to kill her multiple times -- apparently dating back to when I was four years old -- prompting my aunt to throw up her hands and cry, "I believe her!" My aunt, who I have not seen in over a decade and who knows very little about me -- and who just earlier that night went on about how handsome I've become and how proud of me she is -- suddenly regarded me as a murderer and was visibly suspicious of me for the remainder of the visit. These kinds of incidents are not uncommon; that single encounter is fairly representative of how people have regarded me for as long as I can remember.

In fact, when I was first accused of rape years ago and sought my father's help, he simply responded, "Well, son... you reap what you sow." But if that is the case, it seems I am only capable of sowing one thing... and it is something I would prefer not to reap.