I had my first lucid dream! Well, depending upon your definition of the term. I've had those "dreams" where I start off really thinking about a scenario and then enter it, but I've generally been in control of everything and have never lost awareness of my outer surroundings -- so those experiences have been more akin to daydreaming or fantasizing than actual, unconscious dreaming. But this time! This time I started off unaware that I was dreaming, deduced that I was dreaming, and then attempted to do things that I couldn't do when waking. How cool is that?

Okay, details. I found myself in a comic shop, and suddenly it occurred to me that I didn't remember entering the store -- I didn't even know where it was. (How have I not noticed things like this in dreams before?!) So I went to the front of the store to look outside and saw a grimy side street that suggested to me that I was in New York City, though I was aware that I might have been in any urban environment. In any case, I certainly didn't remember coming to NYC (would I have been as suspicious had I seen an area of Laurel?), so I went to ask the clerk for directions. I specifically avoided mentioning NYC, so as not to seem crazy if I was not dreaming and was actually somewhere else.

I said, "I think I got a bit mixed up on my way here. Can you direct me to...?" I let that hang, assuming he'd mention an obvious landmark that would help me to determine my location.

"Sure!" he said. "Just go left out here, then walk left down 37th. Broadway's several blocks down, and then --"

"I'm good from there, thanks!" I chirped. "I thought I was much farther down from Times Square than that, but I guess I got turned around somewhere." The clerk smiled.

I walked back towards the back of the store, now almost certain that I was dreaming. But how to test it? I didn't want to do something that would make me seem insane -- or put me in danger, since that would probably wake me up if I was dreaming or kill me if I wasn't. I decided upon a simple test: I would pinch myself.

Pinch. No pain. Pinch harder. No pain! DREAM STATE CONFIRMED!

Now I started thinking about what I should do. There was a lot of cool stuff to explore in that comic shop, but what was the point if I couldn't actually take any of it back with me? Instead, I decided to see if I could fly.

I could fucking fly.

Okay, I wasn't really flying. I was more floating into the air, remaining there for a bit, before floating back down -- as if gravity had been significantly diminished -- but still. Here I was, floating around in a NYC comic shop, looking down on the patrons as they continued browsing like nothing odd was happening at all.

And then, as I hovered in the air at the height of my second jump, Lucy fuckin' Lawless in a fur coat walked into the store.

And proceeded to slip down into her bra and panties to try on superhero t-shirts from the rack towards the front.

So now I'm like, "This is fucking awesome." I floated over to Lucy Lawless.

"Hey there," I said. "Would you like to fly with me?"

The lingerie-clad Lawless one paused and appeared to consider my offer. "Sure," she said. She pulled on her jeans and slipped on a loose-fitting purple top, and, huddled together, we left the store heading in the direction of 37th. When we reached the street, I said, "Okay, let's try this."

I jumped, and we both floated up into the air, but with our combined weight we didn't get too high before coming back down in the center of the street. Luckily there were few cars on the road (another sign that I was dreaming), so we weren't in any danger. It took us another jump to fully cross the road.

"That didn't work as well with both of us," I said. "Do you mind walking?"

"No," she said. "But how did you do that at all?"

And so as I walked the streets of NYC pressed in close with my arm around Lucy fuckin' Lawless, I explained to her that this was all a dream and that I was the dreamer.

"So I'm not real?" she asked.

"No!" I said. "You're just a projection of my unconscious mind."

She half-smiled. "That's pretty cool, I guess. So, what do you want to do now?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Maybe we could kiss?"

"Okay," Lucy Lawless said with a shrug.

So I leaned in close to kiss her but met some resistance at her lips -- whereas I had opened my mouth and wanted some tongue action, she was apparently puckering with her lips pressed together. (I suspect that this was because I did not in reality open my mouth, but was really trying to push forward with my tongue. The feeling of my tongue pressing against her puckered lips was exactly that of me trying to force my own tongue out through my closed mouth.)

I drew back and asked, "Is something wrong?"

Lucy pointed towards a sore towards the interior of her mouth.

"Oh, that? I don't care -- this is a dream!"

We went in for another kiss, but I met the same resistance. This time I also felt a strange and curious pressure on my cheek (I think the feeling of my skin stretching taut against my cheekbone as I pressed my tongue more forcefully against the the seam of my closed lips), but I ignored it.

"What now?"

Lucy opened her mouth to reveal a wad of chewing gum.

"So take it out!" I said. "Here, give it to me."

Lucy Lawless placed the chewing gum in my left hand, and I made a fist and closed my eyes and again leaned in to press my lips against hers.

This time -- at last! -- my tongue broke through to the cool air of her mouth... but the second that happened I became aware of the pillow beneath my head and the mattress beneath my body. "No, no, no!" I thought. I slowly opened my eyes, hoping to see Lucy Lawless staring tenderly at me with the buildings and parks of NYC behind her.

I was staring at the grey expanse that is my off-white bedroom wall in shadow. Damn!

But now that I am aware I can lucid dream, I hope to be able to do it more often -- and I will try to increase those odds by starting a new tradition of pinching myself at intervals. Upon seeing myself in the mirror for the first time this morning, I pinched myself. After typing the last sentence, I pinched myself.

And when I pinch myself and experience no pain, then I will float... and perhaps seek out Lena Headey.