Therefore, it is not a genuine argument that they're bringing the subject up because of your skin color alone (unless, of course, they don't know you at all).

If they KNOW you than it's almost absurd to think they're bringing race into the conversation because of your skin color - it could just as easily be that they recall that you have opinions on the subject.

Now, the fact that they're missing the mark on your opinion about race? Well, perhaps they're NOT interested in the topic enough to differentiate. If I saw someone getting worked up over a Yankees/Redsox game, I would have NO IDEA which team they liked. I might go so far as to congratulate them the day after their team lost because I couldn't give a shit who won such a game, but I am trying to comment on what I know is their interest. Now, unless the only thing that matters to this person is the Redsox/Yankees, (in which case I would have no reason to talk to this person) it is really no indication as to how well I know the person.

The fact that they relate your comments about race - such as the comment above about hearing it all the time for 20 years - to the other people who talk about such things is not necessarily a reflection on your skin color either.

Chris Rock, Cornel West, these are the people who talk about these things. What famous white person talks about race? In other words, at least SOME of the time, it is a reference to the content of your thoughts.- even if they're missing the mark as to the specific content.

If I saw someone get all passionate about a Yankees/Redsox game, and so got them tickets to a Yankees game, not realizing that they're a Redsox fan, it doesn't prove I don't care about them - it shows I don't care about baseball.

Furthermore, both Chris Rock and Cornel West are considered high brow and intelligent (whether they are or not is not really the point - they're considered as such) - they aren't comparing you to Daniel Carver (resident KKK and racial expert from the Howard Stern show) or Dave Chappell - who's racial bits don't pretend to have any intellectual or social value.

So there is, or at least can be, an additional assumption about your intelligence.

Now, in the mix, is there also a shallow dimension to these comments? Well sure. People can be dumb. I'm not defending most people. But I'm saying that racial comments are not by definition completely refering to a single dimension. Which means every time someone says something doesn't necessarily mean it's diminishing.

So, I guess, the point I'm making is that comparing you to Chris Rock et al is not NECESSARILY only a comment about skin color, but can an attempt to relate the content to another frame of reference, even if it misses the point.

I don't understand why it's demeaning to ask someone if they like tacos.
I've had people say "you guys like bagels" or assume I keep Kosher. I don't think it's demeaning. Now I've had OTHER comments I consider demeaning, but it's mostly bsaed on the spirit or motivation behind the question/comment.

But I have to ask a question, and I do NOT mean this to be in ANY way condescending... how old are you, Wes? I'll just put it out there that I'm 41. I'm not one of those women who think it's cute to lie about my age. I only ask 'cause I know you're younger than I am (who isn't), and it'll help me better understand where you are in the grand scheme of this kind of situation. I'll explain later, but now I have to work. Oh, the indignity of it all!

That said, you write:

First, I don't think people say things to me about liking - or having a great recipe for - tacos or burritos or rice & beans in an effort to mock me in any way. I think mostly they are trying to understand and relate to who I am. ... I think people often attempt to acknowledge our individuality by trying to relate to the thing which is most evident, our race.

I don't necessarily think that people are being malicious when they respond to others in this way, but the tendency of people to default to broad assumptions and make pointed statements based on stereotypes makes it exceedingly difficult for me to give them any credit for "trying to "understand and relate" to others. It strikes me as utterly ridiculous that people attempt to acknowledge individuality by focusing on shallow physical traits when it takes all of three seconds (or less) to recognize the obvious fallacy there. So I can't really be sympathetic to or apologetic of that kind of thinking. When it is so easy to simply ask a question and people fail to do so, they're not trying very hard at all.

You write, "It's up to us to steer them away from that, gently, and to let them know that our individuality comes from who we are as people, not from our appearance" -- but this is so obvious that the need for me to explain it to anyone (gently or otherwise) upsets me greatly. And while I refuse to attribute these failings to basic human nature, I tend believe that individuals who actually need to be taught this lesson are already hopeless.

It is somewhat more encouraging to believe that they really do understand -- how could they not?! -- but have been conditioned by the Zeitgeist and mores of political correctness to respond in certain predictable ways.

I almost responded to the last post, but the comments were many, and I was having trouble organizing my thoughts into a clear, concise statement. I'm still not sure I can, but your taco analogy struck a chord with me, so I'll apologize in advance for what will probably appear as aimless rambling.

I almost made a similar analogy to the original post about the taco, actually. The reason is this: I am half Italian, and the other half is Spanish with a little bit of Russian thrown in for good measure. People have said things like "Oh, you're Spanish, I bet you like (insert name of random hispanic food here.)" Things like that used to really piss me off because I thought they were ignorant and insensitive, but I've learned some things over the years which have made me rethink my position.

First, I don't think people say things to me about liking - or having a great recipe for - tacos or burritos or rice & beans in an effort to mock me in any way. I think mostly they are trying to understand and relate to who I am. They can't know what it's like to be a Spanish woman any more than I can know what it's like to be an African American man. I don't apologize for not knowing, because there's no way to have that life experience unless you were born that way. But in an effort to find commonalities, people will say thing that might sound quite the opposite. It absolutely boils down to something you mentioned yourself...people don't know the difference between culture and race. I completely understand why your friend's comment offended you, but I think it was made in an effort to show he was sensitive to the fact that people of color weren't adequately represented on the tv show. Or, maybe the dude is just an ass, which is possible since I don't know him, but since you considered him a friend, I doubt that's the case.

We teach people how to treat us. If you don't like the way someone responds to you because of your race, you need to make sure they understand this, and tell them how better to respond to you. You can't blame a white man for not knowing how to best respond to a black man because there's no way on earth he can know what it's like to live in those shoes, and vice versa. You can, however, teach him about how you, as a person, prefer to be treated. So, when I was once asked if I had a good recipe for tacos, I simply said "Oh, sorry, no, I don't! While I love to eat Mexican food I have no idea how to prepare it. I do, however, have a mean recipe for paella that my great grandmother taught me!" That was the catalyst for a conversation about how not all hispanics come from one place, and that we have vastly different cultures. I didn't hold it against her, or consider her malicious and insensitive, because her limited exposure to hispanics came from the stereotypes we see on television. She was trying to relate to me, not to point out our differences. When I was younger, I'd have been offended. Now I'm old. And jaded. I see things a bit differently.

I don't think you should lose your faith in people, nor do I think you should settle for less than exactly what you need in any relationship. I think people often attempt to acknowledge our individuality by trying to relate to the thing which is most evident, our race. It's not something we can hide...we wear it on every inch of our bodies, not just our sleeves. It's up to us to steer them away from that, gently, and to let them know that our individuality comes from who we are as people, not from our appearance. Once you've made your expectations clear, get rid of the people who don't respect you enough to accommodate them. We are all flawed. We all say or do things that might hurt people without meaning to. But that doesn't mean that we can't surround ourselves with people whose flaws compliment our own, and who accept us exactly as we are. Things really aren't as simple as you'd like them to be, but the kind of people you'd like to have as friends do exist. Sometimes we just have to give them a quick lesson or two for them to understand us.

I hope this made sense.