Thus revealed, the creature buried its nose in the tire-tilled soil...
February 9, 2010
Jack Van Impe is insaaaaaaaane
Category: Serious … TV, Film, & DVDs

I'd never heard of this guy before seeing his program on television the other night, but holy fuck is he spewing some crazy shit. Granted, it's not uniquely crazy -- he kept perseverating on the same one-world government and end-of-times Antichrist nonsense believed so fervently by the nuttier Christian sects and depicted so well in the Left Behind series (haven't read the books, but those movies are creepy) -- but still. I actually had no idea they allowed this insanity on television, let alone on regular channels.

Speaking of insanity, how about that Rexella? The whole program is pretty nuts, but this woman just batshit crazy. Look at those eyes!

Screw the book, Rexxy -- just send me some of whatever you're popping. That said, she does look damned good for being almost 80... I'm guessing those donations have allowed her to hire a pretty good plastic surgeon. Praise Jesus!

Against my better judgment, I also went to their website. From conspiracy material about one-world currency to embedded microchips being the mark of the beast, that place has a wealth of nuttiness -- particularly in the questions that viewers send in. My favorites, however, are questions like this one, where folks write in to ask if being in debt will prevent them from being taken up in the Rapture. It absolutely amazes me that people are concerned with shit like this. I mean, I think it's fascinating how people combine real-world stuff -- debt -- with magical religious fantasies into a semi-coherent worldview and actually manage to function more or less well (even if their financial management skills could use some work). How does that work?!

I think it's because of laziness and lack of motivation, to tell you the truth. I mean, I've never really believed intensely in Christianity or God in general, but even during the time that I seriously contemplated that stuff I went quite a bit nuttier than I already am. I mean, sin is that which does not glorify God, right? And how much shit doesn't glorify God? I enjoy watching cartoons and fiddling with action figures, but -- unless you jump through some crazy hoops about how they are expressions of human creativity and imagination and therefore glorify God because they evince the awesomeness of His creation -- these do not glorify God. So instead of being able to enjoy anything, the truly devout individual would be constantly questioning whether A or B or C or D or E or F or G or H or I or J and so on glorifies God and would probably go completely mad as a result -- unless he or she were sheltered in such a way that one can truly devote oneself to God 24/7. The most devout believers must be in convents, cloisters, or padded cells; anything less is just kinda half-assed.

And while certain beliefs don't necessarily follow from others, to believe in God and the Bible is in many cases to believe in angels and demons and a freaky supernatural existence where all sorts of terrifying weirdness is possible. Seriously, whatever you do, never convince me that the shit in the Bible is true. I'm pretty harmless, but believing that stuff would still bring me that much closer to driving a stake through your heart on suspicion of you being a demon vampire impostor if you appear cranky around me following a sleepless night. And once I'd washed the blood from my hands, I'd look straight into the bathroom mirror and entreat my reflection to write me so that I could send it a book that would change its life forever.

Occasionally I dip back into discussions of religion and theology and eschatology for fun, but I've since realized that I can never take them seriously. For me -- and for the Van Impes and their viewers, apparently -- that path leads inevitably to madness.

-posted by Wes | 7:38 pm | Comments (10)
  • Mickelodeon says:

    Must. Check. These. Out. You know I love a good conspiracy angle to anything, up to and including chipping and one world currency and the Bilderberg gang. Oh, and I'm stuck on the Trilateral Commission tonight, though I'm not quite sure why.

    Screw going to Illinois. I'm going to the Bohemian Grove, see if I can't rustle me up some New World Order shit. Yusssss. Sweet. =)

    • Wes says:

      I'm actually surprised you're not familiar with this guy, Mick! Granted, one-world-government rise-of-the-AntiChrist religious paranoia doesn't seem to be your favorite flavor of conspiracy theory ice cream, but you seem to know quite a bit about these nutters nevertheless. 🙂

      But oh! While I was looking up stuff about them, I came across this hilarious entry:

      THIS seems completely geared towards your interests, no? 😉

      Also, as I watch these clips, I can't help but think that Rexella is like an aging Jo Grant who's had her mind destroyed by Daleks... and that Jack is is some crazy hyper-religious version of the Doctor from a terrifying parallel Whoniverse.

      • Mickelodeon says:

        Oh! Jack van Impe stars in the Dalek MegaAdventure, starring Jo Grant as Rexella. I'd give it five stars, just because. But if there's any nudity involving a Dalek, knock at least a star off, just because.

        Yeah, not so much on the rise-of-the-Anti-Christ for me, but I'm all about one world government, though that takes a back seat to chipping and mind control and the Kennedy conspiracy, MK-Ultra, and Roswell.

        And Jonestown. Can't forget about Jonestown. =)

  • Mickelodeon says:

    Dude, I want to invite the van Impes to Bar Code's birthday party. I think they'd be a smash!!!

    Also, can you imagine these two having sex?

    • mark tropeano says:

      hose two having sex. Id pay to see that. They are one great looking couple. Rexella is one hot looking woman. She looks like a 20 year old.

  • Jethro says:

    You may think Jack is insane. So do a little research and then realize that the claims he makes, along with the prophetic statements in the Bible have all come true (AND ARE COMING TRUE RIGHT NOW). The Bible was written by different authors at different time periods, yet there are no contradictions anywhere!

    An intelligent researcher would investigate the books of Ezekiel, Isaiah, Daniel, Matthew, Revelations, etc before insulting an old man, and many old men who have spent their entire lives disecting God's word.

    Then again, if religion is not your thing, sign up for an environmental college course. The conclusions are identical: Mankind on this planet is doomed.

    • CJ99 says:

      Hey jethro.

      Hate to burst that really stale bubble floating on your koolaid but you're truly as full of shit as jack van doorknob. He's been making this forking insane "prophesies" since the 1960's his last big one was the end of the world in the end of 2012 which has come and long gone since your comment with nothing to show for his (or your) delusions. He's making the exact same predictions for 2014 that he's made every week for the past 5 years exactly word for word and its still fake.

      And just so you know he hasn't been dissecting "gods word" he's been heavily altering it (which has been done many times already). It was far from a paragon of truth to begin with. The noah's ark story is 1 of the biggest fantasies but hardly the only delusion that just isn't true. Where would noah find polar bears, penguins, platypus or any of the other myriad forms of life found nowhere near isreal. Or how would he prevent inbreeding with only 2 of each animal and 8 humans related by blood. Inbreeding is not a pretty sight, if that story was true all life on earth would've been extinct less than 100 years after the event.

      So to sum up "Jethro", you like your idiotic hero Jack Van Impudent, are a lying sack of shit.

  • Hary Poter says:

    Ok we got these two chickens right?! ---Jack van impe
    oh ho ho. ...its always nice to have a good laugh. Now, muslims have made known their plans to destroy all of christianity, mmhmm. yes. _Rexella Van Impe

    There is no way to not say thier crazy. because they just are. 😉
    I was watching something and it ended and these wack-jobs came on and started talking about the most ridiculous things and were so happy about it. And that woman is 80 but looks like she's wearing someone else's face and it dosent fit. Jack is senile. actually in fact they are both senile. Weirdos... they make me laugh

    Dont listen to them! they're trying to brainwash you're elderly relatives into worshiping them!! They will stop at nothing but thier own long awaited deaths!!!

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