WHERE'S APRIL?!?!?!?!?!?

So I always knew this, but today I was thinking about some of the potential pieces I can do with all of the toys I've got lying around when the horror of the fact struck me with a sudden terrifying urgency -- I don't own an April O'Neil figure! From my computer seat, by simply turning my head and leaning around a bit, I can spot two Michaelangelos (new spelling) and three Raphaels, and off the top of my head I know I've got at least five versions of every Turtle -- and probably more. Hell, I've even got three Bebops (only one Rocksteady as far as I can remember, though). What the hell would I need three Bebops for? And not one April!

So here's what I can't figure out. I know that I used to stage all sorts of complicated storylines and adventures with these guys -- but how in bloody hell did I do it without April O'Neil? April was integral to the Turtles' story! We met the Turtles at Disneyworld one year, and while I don't recall Shredder being around (he may have been, though; I'll have to check the photo albums to be certain) -- and I know for a fact that Bebop and Rocksteady were MIA -- there sure as hell was a (really cute) woman with short brown hair and a loud yellow jumpsuit. Because you can't have the Turtles without April.

But I did. And no matter how many times my Turtles battled the X-Men on a heap of my dad's old medical journals or clung to the Batmobile as it crashed into a... heap of my dad's old medical journals, they were worse off for not having their yellow-clad gal-pal along for the ride.

Which isn't to say that she didn't come along sometimes. See, my sister had an April figure, and while occasionally we played together, more often than not when April was along it was because I stole borrowed her from my sister's room when I knew she wouldn't be around. But I bought new figures all the time. Hell, I had three Bebops. Why didn't I buy my own April?

"Because she's a girl."

That's gotta be it. I look out over my enormous toy collection and see two female toys among the buff masculine hordes: Sailor Jupiter and Rogue. And Sailor Jupiter was a gift -- and one who came relatively late; when I was in 8th grade (Sailor Moon was one of the first animes I got into) -- and Rogue was also a gift, though not originally for me. You see, I bought Rogue for my sister one Christmas, who didn't want her and basically threw her back in my face. My sister's reasoning? "You bought this for you." I wish I could say I actually had, but I hadn't -- I'd genuinely gotten Rogue for my sister. (She wanted a Tinkerbell, but for some reason I didn't buy it -- either because I couldn't find it or because it was too expensive. In any case, she wasn't settling for Rogue.) But since she didn't want poor Rogue, I took her in, and she tagged along with the other X-Men and fought just as hard as the others (okay, maybe not as hard as Wolverine, since I definitely showed some favoritism there, but probably even harder than Cyclops). These aren't the only two female toys I own, though -- later I picked up a Storm (poor, poorly made Storm, who fell apart and is now lying somewhere with one arm and no legs) and later still Princess What's-her-name came to play with Earthworm Jim. I don't know when I bought Storm, but I was in high school when I got What's-her-name. And later still I bought a ton of Buffy figures -- but none of them have ever been opened.

So what happened? I got over the petty sex/gender divisions that are pushed upon us when we're little. "Girls wear pink; boys wear blue." "Girls play with dolls; boys play with trucks action figures." (I never really played with trucks.) "Girls play with makeup; boys play with (sports) balls." And so forth. I don't get it. Why do we do this to the kids? I don't know. Trying to make the girls all feminine and the boys all masculine, are we? But riddle me this: what's more homoerotic than an army of musclebound male figures, many of whom are only wearing underwear and boots? Oh, right, an army of musclebound male figures, many of whom are only wearing underwear and boots, rocking back and forth as "YMCA" by the Village People plays from a nearby clock radio. Silly? Yes, it is. It really is.

Tomorrow I'm going to hop on a bus, catch the Metro to a mall with a closing KB Toys, and see if I can't find an April O'Neil figure to join my Turtles on their new adventures. Because at the end of the day, you can't have the Turtles without April.

STAY TUNED!

P.S. Scary-Crayon's been updated, with a special Superbowl Edition of A Crayon Haiku and the first installment of Dusty Plastic HELL! Links open in a new window. 🙂